Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Deep Thoughts

We are back from vaca after a bumpy plain ride that I hated! I am blessed to be home safe, but I think by far this pilot gave me a nervous breakdown damn near. Anyway...I think I discovered somethings in my private thought time. I as a person, a woman...have a guard up when it comes to female friends. I know I am not the only one right? RIGHT! We all are leery of each other, but some people don't feel leery they just go with the flow. But I have learned that going with the flow is what gets you hurt, and let down by those that you finally let in as "friends". I have been one to have one BF since I was in junior high, and over the years we have disintegrated, but in the process my Honey went from my love to my love and my best friend which is perfect for me up until I want to talk about chic shit and I am saying..."do you hear me..do you hear me.."I was watching one of my favorite new shows Tiny and Toya and they are new adult friends who actually seem to get something from each other. At that moment as I watched the show, I just realized they are not childhood friends, they are new adult friends. With love for each other...I would have pushed the friendship away from a need to protect my feelings...
So is it possible to have new adult friends be real friends, and trust them? Should I stop pushing new people away out of my own fear? What's your take?


24 comments:

My @ tha Hotness said...

I completely understand where you are coming from. I think this is especially true in the black community because we are just not really taught to trust each other. and there is always that the feeling of, "crabs in a bucket." (know what I mean?)

I too am very guarded about acquiring new friends as well. It is almost like starting a new relationship you have to get to know each other and each others likes and dislikes. There are sometimes when I want a girl friend to hang out and as you said so eloquently,talk about chic shit...lol. So I am on the fence and honestly new relationships take work. I would love to hear what everyone has to dat.

Diva Style said...

Yes! It's absolutely possible!

Adrienne S. said...

Tam, you've got the past coming back with this one. The way I see it, we have all been burned, and whether we realize it or not, we may have also burned another. My best best best friend in the world and I didn't talk for ten years over something so trivial and yet we have reconnected. Anything worth having is worth trying for, and if it's meant to be will happen, including friendships. But like My said, in the black community we are taught not to trust one another for some reason. And I have met some SHADY characters who smiled in my face all the while trying to take my place (love the O'Jays). But the one thing I always go back to is what Maya Angelou said: When someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE them.

Jessi B. said...

Unlike the other laides, I don't necessarily think we're taught to be distrustful in the black community. I think that the first rule of human nature is self-preservation, and in order to survive unscathed, a lot of people are reluctant to leave themselves vulnerable in any sort of relationship.

That said, I also think other people come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Don't miss out on what could possibly be a mutually beneficial relationship because you fear that your feelings will get hurt. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right?! Put out an energy that is conducive to building trustworthy, meaningful relationships, rather than a fearful energy, and just see what happens... LIVE AND LET LIVE, girl!

♥jeb

Alluring Interiors said...

Hey Tam...First off I love the Tiny & Toya show! I believe you can make new adult friends...I too have a best friend relationship with my honey...but, my chic best friend I met 4 years ago and her personality is exactly like mine...However, she has no kids, I have 3...and she dates and I am married. I tell you she adore our family so much that she'll stop by and I'll be cooking dinner and she'll take the kids outside to the park or bring over crafts and baking projects for them to do. She talks to my husband about his job or sports...I guess what I'm tryna say is that she values our friendship so much that she has incorporated my families lifestyle into hers. She's an awesome person with a beautiful heart! There are people out there that you can learn from as well as teach new things to...It's a beautiful thing!

Andrea said...

My husband is also my best friend & that is a blessing indeed,but it's also extremely healthy(and necessary)to have outside friendships as well. I understand what you are saying because you do have to be careful letting people in.
I am not the most religious or spiritual person,but I always pray that the Lord send people into my life who are of Him(sincere,honest,no ulterior motives...) & to remove anyone who is not of Him and to give me the wisdom,knowledge & understanding to recognize & accept when they come into my life (or) when they are removed from my life.
*Tam,some of my dearest friends are those who I have met as an adult & at times when I was not necessarily looking.

Daba said...

When you open your heart great things can happen. If you don't you'll never know.
Remember: A person will tell you who they are through their actions(just pay attention)..and when they do BELIEVE THEM!!

Anonymous said...

I'm black & I have never been taught not to trust someone who looks just like me. I've never heard of that before. Very sad:(

Adrienne S. said...

I like this topic, Tam, and the fact that we may have differing opinions just goes to show that whether we are of the same ethnicity or not, we all have had different experiences. And those different experiences gives us varying perspectives. But the same overall response seems to be that adult friendships are possible and we all hope for them.

gigiofca said...

It's more of a female thing than a color thing. imo. But all that aside, just open yourself up to people that you have things in common with. Extend yourself and invite someone to lunch with you. A great topic to start with is movies. Everyone may not read, but everyone has favorite movies. Also it's a good way to see if you have similarities...as opposed to bonding over gossip. That's how some relationships get formed and that may feel tight, but it's not nesc a good thing.

Pretty Nerdy said...

I totally agree with the crabs in a bucket statement. I even get it here at work AND church. As a black woman who relocated in my adulthood to a new state and didnt know ANYBODY here, its now been 5 years and I still dont have not one female friend to save my life. I have my child, but I go shopping alone, to the movies alone, just do every either by myself or with my son cause I just can't find a good femalefriend! And like you said, sometimes ya dont want to or can't talk to a man!

When I go back to my home state to visit I have my girlfriends that I went to high school with and can kick it with but the other 11 months in the year its like I'm a hermit.

L.Duncan said...

Tam, this issue is really hitting home for me right now since my best friend is probably not my best friend anymore. I really can't tell you what happened because I don't know, but I do know that it is possible to have adult friends you just have to know how to have them. I personally have gone thru a few changes in my life lately and she as well and I think that may be the problem. Instead of growing together we grew apart. I understand that some people are put in your life for a season and a reason, but how do you know if that is the case. I do know this, ever since I started blogging I have had a lot of piece. I get to associate with people who share my same interests, laugh with people that have the same issues I have, and share information with people that are going thru the same things I've been thru. I just wished I could meet some of those people here in Atlanta!

www.home23duncanboys@blogspot.com

Tamstyles said...

I just want to add that I am thankful for all the comments because I really did need to know what others thought on the subject..not from a color standpoint, but a womans standpoint. i am looking to learn from everyone as i always do on my blog. thanks again!

Tamstyles said...

Something else I noticed with me is...judgement. I think I have been judged so much in my life and thats hurtful. I was always thought to be the stuck up one because I didnt say much..or she thinks she is all that...which was WRONG. I am quiet because I am fearful not for vain reasons. Its almost a way to protect myself by keeping others away. Then when people get to know me they say I had no idea you were like this..I thought....blah blah...so the other people that i didnt befriend think the worst, and that hurts. I also notice that i look to my honey to have a good time if we are out in certain situations and i am working on that...its not fair to him or me..but he and i are different in that world because he is more friendly and approachable and I am well...ya know..Life lessons...they never end.

Sa-Sea Boutique said...

I TOTALLY believe that you can make friends....adult friends. I didn't used to believe it....but moving from Virginia to Florida made me realize that you don't have to hang onto your childhood just for comfort.

I stay home full time so I HAD to get out there and meet my neighbors and friends. Nobody around me stays home with their kids....so during the day my kids are my BFF's, but I have found that I NEEDED to make women friends just to get out there and use the excuse "girl's night out". Without girls to go out with....those super fun nights don't happen.
Get out there! You Don't need to trust a new friend with your deep thoughts.....just enough to have a light hearted friendship with....and you never know how it will turn out. :) Use your husband for your Best Friend talks about the deep stuff for now....and your girlfriends to talk about shoes and girl stuff. :)
xoxo

KJZW said...

I know exactly how you feel. I am from a tiny town and have had the same close friends my whole life. While these relationships are amazing, none of these girls live close to me. I feel like a dork, but I don't know if I know how to make friends. Thankfully I have made friends with a couple of women that are older than me from work. I wish though that I had a couple of close girlfriends that are also in their mid twenties. I understand where you are coming from and hope you find some fun girls to talk chic shit with!

L.Duncan said...

tam, what you just said in your last statements is exactly what I went thru in school and work. girl I don't know what the problem is with people these days! I don't know where you live, but I wish we could hook up because I bet we have a lot in common! the only advice I have is keep living your best life and things are bound to get better. by the way, given your style from what I see from your blog, its easy for people to be jealous of you. I swear I was you before I had 3 kids! now I'm boring (lol)!! your fabulous girl so just keep keeping on!

Bohemian Gal said...

Wow! I love this because it really speaks to me. I've kind of been the same when it comes to my relationship with women, but I've learned to express what type of friend I need, and what kind of friend I vow to be at the start of the friendship. I am very loyal, but not to a fault. I will cut a fool loose if they decide to abuse my friendship. But the 2...yes I said 2 BFF's that I have are sweet, kind, loving, trustworthy, MARRIED like me (that's important), and we can speak our mind. "like girl you need to stop being so concerned about what folks think about you", or "Girl I know you are not that shallow" (i said that yesterday to one of my Bff's) or "Girl you will not divorce that man, but learn to love him through difficult times". All things me and my girls have said to one another. So with all that being said, I say let your guard down, align yourself with women who share your interests & beliefs about friendship, and most importantly just like you would do in a romantic relationship...Have standards!

Tamstyles said...

WOW yall are fab! If only yall lived here...I tried having a friend at work and it worked, but I was like the big sister until i got another position and moved to another office..so that friendship is not as strong. I only talk to her maybe once every 4 months. i think i will let my guard down a bit and try when i come into contact with others. i miss talking to my BF for the bond that we had in terms of conversation and knowing each other so long, but thats all it seemed to be, as it was hell sometimes..i do have other friends, i just need to open the door and communicate...so now i will work on building relationships with others..as i sit and think right now..i have a friend that wants to meet up with me..so i need to make some moves. but my ultimate female friend would be:

1. a great listener
2. family oriented
3. caring of other peoples feelings
4. someone who understands my time with my family
5. someone without a razor tongue
6. someone who is honest, and will tell me like it is.
7. somoene with a passion
8. someone who doesnt use my faults as ways to hurt me!!!!!
9. someonte who understands the power of the word YOU.

i dont think that list is half bad?

Wedding Budget Secrets said...

Apologies for the long post ... but I want to share what's possible. You can definately make adult friends. It's harder, but so rewarding. I can remember one night when I was out at a club with a friend about 10 years ago. I am totally into 1940's and 50's stuff - music, cars, clothes, hairstyles, makup, dancing ... the list goes on. Anyway, there was this blonde bombshell of a girl there in a stunning pink 50's dress who looked like she'd just stepped out of a Marilyn Monroe movie. She was standing just next to us and seemed to be on her own. I said hi and told her how much I loved her dress. We chatted a bit through the night, agreed to keep in touch and I remember calling my Mum the next day and with a feeling of awe and delight telling her "I think I just made a new friend"! I felt like a little kid on the first day of school.

Well, that wonderful girl and I remained fast friends with a close relationship for many years, even though she is almost 10 years younger than me. Our lives have moved in different directions now and while we don't keep in touch often, I know I could call on her if I needed her and she knows the same about me.

But better than this, through that one girl, I met the group of people who would make up my social circle, become my friends and provide me with hours of joy, fun, dancing, gossip, housemates and two of my best friends ever for the next several years.

So take the risk once in a while, you never know where it will lead. It could be a BF for now, or forever ... or even a whole bunch of great people that will enrich your life each in their own way for for their own time.

Rossi said...

Thank you for opening up this dialogue! You are great!

Oonafey said...

I really wish I had a female friend, but it gets complicated when you get older. My fiance is 20 years older than me, so couple friends never work out. All the ladies I work with literally dress like my grandmother(printed tops and slacks with flat lace-up shoes) and they are in their 30's and 40's! Why give up looking nice just because you have a family? Makes no sense to me. Where else do you meet people?

Kara said...

I feel very fortunate that I have such great friends. Some have been there since college and some new ones too.

I was just saying out my friends ebb and flow at lunch. I might be talking to one everyday then the next week it's someone else. But they are all a constant with me.

I think having good girlfriends is so important.

Be open and honest and just be yourself - it will totally be worth it if you find the right person to be bff's with.

Tamstyles said...

I am glad some of you liked this topic. I love open talks about issues that women have, and getting different opinions...